as published on etalk.ca

May 20, 2016

Steven Sabados on coping with loss and connecting with Chris: 'I talk to him every day'

More than nine months after the death of his partner of 27 years, Steven Sabados tells etalk he's still figuring out how to navigate life without Chris Hyndman, and that he’s never far from his mind.

"I come home and say hello. And when I leave I say goodbye, and when I go to bed I say come on, let's go to bed. I talk to him every day. Every second," he tells Traci Melchor in an exclusive interview from his Toronto home.

In addition to their personal relationship, which began in 1988, the couple became partners professionally. They launched an interior design firm in 1992 and grew a loyal fan base through several TV series over the years, including eight seasons of their CBC daytime lifestyle show Steven and Chris.

Known widely as a team, Steven says Chris’ death on August 3 has left him wondering who he is on his own.

"It's this journey back to me," he says. "Me sort of figuring out life on my own. And who is Steven? I don't know yet."

One way Steven is dealing with the loss is by painting, a hobby he used to practice when he was upset, which would tip Chris off that something was wrong. Now he calls it therapy, producing "dark," "moody" works of art with hidden meanings.

He's also been overwhelmed and uplifted by online messages of support and sympathy that have poured in since Chris' death. Even if he can't respond, Steven says he reads them all.

But the realization of Chris' impact on their fans is a bit bittersweet.

"He always said I want to be a positive person, I want to be a better person, I want to be a loved person. And he always was, but he never knew it to the extreme that he should have known," Steven says.

Steven now describes day-to-day life as a roller coaster. While some days he feels okay, he can also be caught off guard or overcome with emotion.

"At times... I just want to lock the doors, not talk to anyone, turn my phone off, and stay in bed," he says. "That's not going to help."

It's Chris' presence that helps Steven move forward, he says, from guiding day-to-day decisions to working on the new S&C product line, and finding the courage to talk about his experience.

"I think the most important thing, the most positive thing you can do is actually go through it," Steven says. "Everyone wants to force [the pain] down. You know, 'Don't think about it.' But just be in the moment. You have to be in the moment. It’s just going to come up anyway."